Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
