He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
