I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
