we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
