I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
