I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
