K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
