Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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