So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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