I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
