Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
