So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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