Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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