He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
