I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
