how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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