I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
