NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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