I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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