I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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