May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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