Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
