Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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