i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
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Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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