I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
