i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
