Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
