My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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