Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just pee around me
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
