I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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