he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
