I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
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Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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