My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
