it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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