me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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