He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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