Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
