I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
