I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
