i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
