I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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