I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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