so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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