also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
