The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
