i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hippo gnu deer
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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