I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
