dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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