I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
