I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
