FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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