And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
