ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
