We won't sleep together?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dick very happy bro
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
