If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
